Issue 43: Now I'm wishing on a piece of string?

Saturday April 06 2019

I have said it before and I’m going to keep saying it until something fundamental happens to alter my way of thinking, but waiting for news equals waiting for bad news as far as I’m concerned. I think I need seven pieces of good news in a row to make me optimistic.

Lydia had her medical about three weeks ago and we are still awaiting results. There is no discernible reason why she wouldn’t pass her medical, so why am I spending my days assuming that she won’t? It’s as if Groundhog Day and déjà vu had a love child, and it hates me.

We’ve just heard that the blinking doctor wants to get hold of Lydia’s psych records before he’ll tell us whether she is cleared to proceed as our surrogate. What? This doesn’t seem like normal protocol. It also doesn’t seem fair. To us, but even more so to Lydia, who I’m pretty sure has had her background questioned enough by now.

A couple of years ago Lydia donated eggs as a first foray into her altruistic Angelism. (“Since I decided I’m not having any more children, I thought, ‘Why not give my eggs away to someone who can’t have them?’ ” She makes it sound so simple.) We’ve facilitated an egg donor process ourselves, so we know what is involved, and Dr Fernando is focusing on the psych evaluation. Thing is, Lydia had one of those for this surrogacy process and it was fine, so why does he need to delve deeper?

The well-behaved, open-minded me on my left shoulder understands that he is trying to protect us all. He has uncovered some kind of red flag — maybe he’s still hung up on the postnatal anti-anxiety meds she took ages ago — and he’s going way beyond the necessary to make sure everything is OK.

Cynical me on my right shoulder is convinced he is out to get us, and right now this me has a louder voice. The agency is also nonplussed, telling us he shouldn’t need to delay things any further because Lydia’s two-year-old report is irrelevant, but they can’t really interfere with his reasoning. So yep, um, still waiting over here guys. Guys?

I am staying away overnight for work and, ah, sweet relief, there is wine. Wine, I’m sort of reluctant to say, is taking on more of an analgesic role in my life than an appreciative one. It still represents a delicious accompaniment to my dinner, but also the stress-relieving side-effects are higher-priority now. While I don’t overdo it (I’m a cancer survivor, I’m way too neurotic to behave badly when it comes to toxins), in this particular instance I fall on my glass like it’s a long lost sibling. After one, I’m able to disengage and actually enjoy my meal, almost.

A little backstory. I’ve been wearing this piece of string around my wrist since my friend Joely’s wedding. We all tied them around each other’s wrists while making a wish — and it doesn’t take much to work out what mine was. The idea is that when the string breaks your wish comes true. That bloody string Does Not Break. By now it’s pretty disgusting, but I can’t bring myself to cut it off in case I am refuting the laws of wish-making.

So there I am, absentmindedly worrying away at the string, as has become habit recently, and GASP! It breaks. Technically I pulled it. Oh my God, does that mean I forced fate’s hand and broke the wish, or will it still work? Have I become so paranoid that I think a piece of string has control over the universe? Basically yes. It’s the 22nd of the month by the way. Our special number, so therefore this can’t be a coincidence.

As soon as I get into bed I get a text from Lydia on our WhatsApp group: “I GOT THE EMAIL! OMG I’M CLEARED!”

This must be due to my bracelet-breaking, of course. And it occurred fortuitously on the 22nd, so yes, I have irrefutable proof that superstition works. Or maybe it’s medicine and technology, but whatevs. The medical obstacle has officially been cleared: we can progress!

As I said, we have been here before, but not with Lydia. I hate to say it, but we are so invested in her already. It’s a genuine friendship, albeit a remote one, and we appreciate and value it all the more because we had an insight into how it could have been. We needed this to work because our hearts are all in, and yay! Lydia is fully allowed and I can go back to enjoying my food and wine as it is supposed to be enjoyed.