Issue 44: When a TIMELINE becomes a TIMEDOODLE

Saturday April 13 2019

Another day, another contract. This will be the third, and hopefully the last, because a) it’s boring reading a million clauses that you don’t quite understand over dinner, and b) American attorneys are expensive. Oh, and c) it’s all going to work out with Lydia because she is The One (please God, please God, please God). First we had the donor contract, then the one of Melissa, the failed surrogate, and now it’s Lydia’s turn. I probably couldn’t remember the names of the other lawyers we’ve used if you held me out of the window and threatened to let go, but our new one, Carla? Carla is a revelation.

For a start, she wants this done quick smart. “You guys have waited long enough, you shouldn’t have to wait any longer.” Am I hearing things correctly? Someone other than us wants this to hurry along, please? Where was Carla 15 months ago when we signed up for this thing?

Actually — woah a minute — 15 months! According to most surrogacy agencies and their approximate timelines, we should by all accounts be at home right now, crazy from sleep deprivation and performing most tasks one-handed while we pass our baby back and forth between us. Instead, we are about to be two years older than when we signed up (*coughs* FORTY), and still our eye bags are only hand-luggage-sized; there because of stress-related insomnia, but not new-parent excessive, so entirely manageable with some quality concealer.

So this is what we were told the timeline would be. It also serves a handy summary of the story so far. (If you’re not into the ins and outs, feel free to skip straight past.)

The whole process normally takes 12-18 months (the surrogacy match can cause it to take longer).

Well, can’t it just!

1. Join agency as “intended parents” — pay initial fees etc.

Been there, done that, got the receipt. That was weird.

2. Match with donor.

The easy bit. The agency is tasked with just matching my features as closely as possible and saying OK.

3. Donor starts psychiatric screening, then medical screening, then legal agreement.

For some reason this didn’t happen in this order. Our previous donor wasn’t screened until after we completed stage 9! And until then we didn’t even know if she was as infertile as me.

4. Pick fertility clinic — near donor.

In fact, this was picked for us by the agency right at the start. Dr Y has an amazing reputation. We met him, we loved him. He is very by the book, though. Aka slow.

5. Travel to fertility clinic to deposit sperm/medical checks for FATHER.

Oh man, this was forever ago! Nice holiday, though. I’ll always fondly remember the chicken’n’waffles. And losing our second surrogate, Alex, the day after we got back home. Hmm.

6. Match with surrogate — can take one to five months!

Um, try 13 months, people.

7. “Meet” surrogate.

We “met” her, we loved her. OK, Lydia is the fourth surrogate we’ve met. But . . . Next!

8. Medical and psychiatric checks for surrogate.

Well, this was an experience for everyone involved. But all good now, so, on to . . .

9. Legal agreement with surrogate.

That’s where Carla comes in in this instance, but there have been others before. Remember, we’re on series two of the box set.

10. Donor egg extraction.

OMG it’s happening, it’s happening. Well, actually, it happened a long time ago, we’ve messed up this timeline by going round the track twice.

11. Fertilisation with sperm — how many embryos?

Three! That’s how many. This is a source of anxiety for me, but I’m assured it’s OK. Ish.

12. PGS of embryos (biopsy to check all chromosomally perfect for better chance of success)

Yep. Done. Three out of 18 are good to go. See above.

13. Surrogate gets “TRANSFER DATE”, when first embryo will be implanted.

Yeah. So, that happened . . .

14. Surrogate begins medication to prepare uterus for embryo transfer.

Uh huh. And . . .

15. Embryo transfer.

Well. The less said about that the better, eh? But that was then. This time I have put on my positive pants and am looking forward to . . .

16. “Two-week wait” for pregnancy result.

Oh lord, we have this anticipatory purgatory still to come. I remember the hell of it from my own five embryo transfers. Best not think about this until I have to.

17. Check blood (beta) levels for week after positive result to check progressing.

Again, best not think about this until I have to.

18. Heartbeat scan three to four weeks later.

Oh my GOSH if we get here I’ll be a pile of happy jelly on the floor.

19. Surrogate travels to original fertility clinic for ultrasound.

See above.

20. Twelve weeks after positive result, surrogate comes off drugs, natural pregnancy continues with usual milestones.

See above! See above! All the !!!!!

I will say, it’s acutely depressing remembering how we felt when we made our first payment and kicked this whole thing off. We were, like: “Ooph, it’s so long! What if it takes the worst-case length of time? That’s unfathomable, that’s potentially two whole Christmases, that is too long to wait.”

Oh, former Sophie, so innocent, so naive. We’re so beyond that timeline we’ve fallen off the end of the page and without so much as an embryo transfer. But it’s a good and a bad thing how fast time flies. Surely, SURELY we’ll have some good news before another Christmas passes.

Especially with Carla on the case. The other reason that finding her is so fortuitous is that she too has a child via surrogacy. She therefore knows all the ins and outs and frustrations and elations and is sympathetic. Imagine! A sympathetic lawyer! In our experience so far those are as rare as unicorn tears, so it is with delight that I sit and Skype with her one day, on my own, no Mr B in sight. We go through the contract clauses first — and quite quickly, because I am a verifiable expert by now. In fact, I could pretty much be my own sympathetic lawyer at this point. But then she looks at me and tilts her head and says: “Do you have any questions?”

We had a beautiful half an hour or so of IP (intended parent) chat. This is a very niche topic; there is only a small puddle of people who could fully appreciate the “but will I love it immediately? But will I find the birth bit gross?”, so I’ll spare you the details, but my God did I appreciate her sympathetic voice of experience with bells on.

So, the legal bit is done, and done so nicely that I’ll sleep really well because of it. I think we have established our own timeline by now. That’s less line, more erratic doodle, but it’s ours and we’re on it. Yes, we’re still way behind where we want to be. Or even where we’ve been before, but the thought that we will progress is what keeps us going. I want to be Carla one day soon. An established, working mother whose surrogacy story is a memory I can use to encourage other people, rather than the thing that takes up every waking minute of my day. Otherwise, how will I get any of my sympathetic lawyer training done?