Issue 07: The anti-surrogacy trolls strike

Saturday July 28 2018

So, I got my first anti-surrogacy tweet, just after my first article came out in the Weekend section of The Times. I know that a subject such as this is going to divide opinion, as would any scenario that goes outside “the norm” — and I fully believe that everyone is entitled to their opinion. That is not to say that sticks and opinions may not break my metaphorical bones, mind you.

Among the many wonderful messages of encouragement (thank you endlessly), someone had kindly tweeted to say: “I really hope you get the outcome you want. Where the baby comes from is not as important as the love you give it.”

“Not to the child”, according to one tweeter who responded. I don’t know what they are basing their opinion on, and I’m sure they consider it valid, but really? Where a baby comes from is more important to the child than the love they receive? Not according to my beautiful fairy godson, whose two adoptive dads have done such an amazing job of integrating him into family life that he is the biggest delight of a child I’ve met, maybe ever.

Not according to Harlow’s monkeys, the 1958 psychological study in which baby monkeys chose to cling to a “cosy comforting” figure — made of terry towelling — rather than a bare-wire figure that also provided food. (This is a very brief summary and you can google the rest, but it supports the evolutionary theory of attachment that says it’s the nature and security of the caregiver that is important).

Not according to Lorenz’s imprinting theory (again, google it), which showed that newborn geese follow the first moving object they see after hatching and consider that their mother — even a beer bottle waved in front of their eyes.

The moral of the story is that it could equally be the mother or any another attachment figure, but it’s the presence of that figure that is important. It’s science, innit?

I’m sure that how you bring up and educate your child is key to this theory working. Mr B and I have discussed this at length, and we are planning on letting our child know from Day 1 that they were cooked in another oven, as it were. How we do this we don’t yet know — we’re not even pregnant, for goodness’ sake — but countless intended parents have done it before us and there is literature to help. One of my friends is writing a beautiful children’s book to explain the many and diverse routes to parenthood, so hopefully that will be published by the time our child needs its familial education.

We’re as prepared as two totally unrehearsed but very careful and caring people could be for the questions, the confusion, the teenage angst, the possible teenage resentment and the definite teenage drama. But as far as I’m concerned, the only way to overcome that will be with love. Big, huge, unquestioning love, which happens to be exactly what’s underpinning this whole epic journey. There is no way we’d have even taken the first step were we not 100 per cent sure that we have the abundant love needed to care for our future child already, by whatever means he or she comes to us. Otherwise the losses we’ve had along the way wouldn’t hurt so very, very much.