MY OTHER PROJECT • by Liz Rawlinson
I have lived a very lucky life. I have a wonderful husband, an incredible family, amazing friends, a job I enjoy and a loving home. Unfortunately, I had a very unlucky road to motherhood.
In 2016 I was the happiest I had ever been, pregnant with my first child. As the second eldest of eight daughters (yes, EIGHT! All girls!), I have always been very maternal and often described as “motherly”. I had always wanted children and used to say things like “I will get married and have a few kids”. As easy as that!
I went on maternity leave from my role at Anya Hindmarch when I was 38 weeks pregnant. The next day, day 1 of my maternity leave, I was told during a routine midwife appointment that there was no heartbeat. Nothing can prepare you for such horrifying, unexpected news. Everything my husband and I wanted and longed for, was gone.
My son, Beau, was born on 1st October 2016. A huge rainbow filled the sky after he was born. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing a different person staring back at me. We had to hear newborn babies crying in rooms around us, whilst we had empty arms. I will never forget that as we left the hospital, a midwife asked us where our baby was. When my husband explained, she told us we would be back in a year.
My husband, Rolo, and I had to go home and close the door to our baby’s nursery. I had never heard of anyone having a stillbirth before – I knew it happened, but never in a million years thought it would happen to me. Immediately after we lost Beau, I was googling “Celebrity Stillbirths”, desperate to see if such an awful thing could happen to celebrities. All that wonderful naivety that first-time pregnant women have, was shattered.
No one wants to read about the subject of stillbirth. There was no way I would read anything about it whilst pregnant with Beau. If the topic ever came up in any baby book or app – I would skip past it. So, it was even more shocking when it happened to us. Beau’s stillbirth was completely unexplained, which has always weighed very heavy on my heart.
I thought I would never recover. I would see other women who had suffered a stillbirth living a normal life. Or achieving remarkable things. I didn’t think I would ever be able to function the same again. I knew very quickly the only thing that could save me was to have another baby. We were recommended to wait 3 months after the birth of Beau before trying to conceive again. I went back to work in January 2017 and was greeted with so much warmth from everyone. I needed the distraction of work rather than sitting at home in grief.
I was pregnant with another baby boy 4 months after losing Beau. For every second I was pregnant, I thought something was going to go wrong. It wasn’t going to feel real until I held my baby in my arms and I lived in a constant state of fear – even the MILLIONS of scans that I had did little to reassure me. I had a wonderful acupuncturist who helped me greatly. I also saw a counsellor to help me come to terms with losing Beau and thinking his stillbirth was my fault. But nothing helped me more than my husband, family and friends who were there every step of the way. I was slowly able to open the door to the nursery and surround myself with all of the things I had bought for Beau. I held on to glimmers of hope that Beau’s brother would be in the nursery.
Our rainbow baby boy, Gus, was born on the 11th October 2017, a year after we lost our first son. He changed my world and saved me the second he was in my arms.
One of the hardest parts of a stillbirth is the effect it has on so many people. It was devastating for all of our family. Our parents had lost a grandchild, my sisters had lost a nephew. I always felt like I was grieving enough for the world and I didn’t want anyone else to feel this pain. When we had Gus – it was exhilarating to see our families arrive at the hospital to see him. Something lifted that day for all of us. A fog which had hung over our heads.
Maternity leave with Gus was the best year of my life. I spent every second with him and I rarely put him down or let him out of my sight. Whilst searching for a playmat for our living room, I couldn’t find one that I liked. I began designing and manufacturing my own as I thought there must be other parents in the same position. That’s when my business gus + beau was born, selling premium baby playmats in simple patterns and muted colours.
I would never have had the motivation to start my own business if it wasn’t for Beau. I had less self-doubt because of him, as the worst possible thing had already happened to me. It is so rewarding for me to speak his name every day and have him present in our lives. Our little family was complete in December 2019 when I had our third son, Jerry. My journey to motherhood was in no way what I expected. But I am sitting here today as a stronger and more fulfilled woman. Thank you, our RainBeau.