MY OTHER PROJECT • by Anon

I was diagnosed with stage IV endometriosis and adenomyosis when I was 27 years old, which came as a huge relief having experienced debilitating period pain and bowel issues for 13 years prior.

At the time of my diagnosis, we were advised that a high proportion of women with endometriosis encounter fertility problems, although the exact reason is still unknown. However, having only just met my now husband, having children was not high on our agenda and my focus turned to managing my health condition. I underwent 4 surgeries in six years.

We were advised that when we did want to try for children, we should not leave it longer than 6 months before proceeding with IVF. In my naivety, I thought if it comes to using IVF then so be it; it never crossed my mind that IVF would not work. My ovarian reserve was very low and I was classed as a “poor responder” to the IVF medication, which resulted in needing the highest levels of hormones. Unfortunately, each of my six cycles was unsuccessful. Each time, we tried something different and I was sure that the upcoming cycle would work. Unfortunately, I have never even seen a positive pregnancy test.

After 3 years of IVF, my endometriosis had become so severe due to all the hormone treatment I had undergone, that I had to undergo another operation. Unfortunately, both my fallopian tubes also had to be removed in this surgery due to extensive damage from the endometriosis, which means that there certainly wouldn’t be a miracle pregnancy – something which I secretly hoped for each month! We had to re-assess whether it was sensible to continue with further IVF treatment, which could leave me extremely unwell even if I were to achieve pregnancy, and in the higher-risk of miscarriage category. Armed with that knowledge, I had to consider that my desire to carry my own pregnancy could actually put the baby at risk, and that was not something I was willing to do.

With one remaining embryo in the freezer, we made the very difficult decision to move forward with surrogacy to try and give our one embryo the best chance of success.  It has been very hard to accept that I will not carry my own child and experience pregnancy as so many other women do, but I also feel exceptionally privileged that surrogacy is even an option and that our gestational carrier has so selflessly offered to help us try and bring our baby into the world.

The decision to pursue this route is further complicated because we live in a country where surrogacy is not legally recognised, nor is it culturally acceptable.  But we can’t give up - we will have to leave. We plan on pursuing surrogacy in the US, and as both my husband and I are British nationals, we will then apply to the English courts to be recognized as the legal mother and father of our baby under English law.  Once we have our child’s legal documents issued in England, we will be in a position to relocate back to the country where we currently live.

It’s complicated, and we won't be at liberty to disclose we are pursuing surrogacy at all, because it could have implications for our child once we come back here to continue living and bringing him or her up in this country we call home. I am sharing my story on an anonymous basis for this reason. It is difficult not to be able to talk openly about what we are doing, especially because it has helped me greatly seeing other women - such as Sophie Beresiner - talk openly and honestly about surrogacy, which has made it more acceptable and seem a real viable option. We will be open with our child from the outset as to how they came to be and the special role our gestational carrier played, and if our child wants to share their story at a later date then that will be their decision. Perhaps in time, surrogacy (and other routes to parenthood) will become more widely acceptable where we live. I hope so, not just for our child, but for the many women in this country who must be suffering through infertility silently and with very few options available to them.